My Very First Time...

...Blogging! Isn't it exciting?! OK, maybe not so much for you as for me. I've been wanting to start one since I found my friend Monica's blog. I chose now thanks to a conversation I had with my husband an hour ago. No, not a fight- just a short chat actually. I'm sure I'll get into history later, but just a bit for now. After almost 7 years of being married to this man, I've learned a few things. One of those things is how opposite we are. OK, so opposites attract, right? In some arenas, I'm sure that's true. BUT when you have an optimist & a pessimist, a hope-er and a doer, a smiler & a scowler, a lover & a liver... I'm jut not so sure anymore. It came down to this short conversation this evening:

me: I'd like to sort things out so we can work together better once the baby comes.
him: silence
me: are you really just never going to talk to me about how you feel?
him: it's not worth it to me. I say something you don't like & you pout & don't speak to anyone for 3 days.
me: you're right, sometimes my feelings get hurt & that's how I deal.
him: then no it's not worth it to talk about so I won't.
me: OK, just tell me this then. Is the plan to get along as well as we can just till the kid are old enough?
him: is that your plan?
me: well, I'm certainly not going to live in a relationship like this forever.
him: silence
me: OK then, that's all I needed to know.
him: off to bed without a word.
me: here, starting this blog to sort my thoughts!

And it is all I need to know. Have I wanted to leave, said I would in the past? Yep. Did I ever? Nope. Why not? Many reasons. 1) I never felt strong enough. 2) I didn't want to be THAT girl who always makes mistakes. 3) I always hoped he loved me enough to make a change. Funny, huh? I honestly believed time & time again that someday he'd realize that letting go of hostilities, showing affection and love toward your family, and being able to live in a respectful household where everyone feels relaxed & loved was really the way to go. I thought we wanted the same things. Nope. He wins. I wanted to be happy, he wanted to be right. So now I concede- and he's right.

Really, that's all I needed to know from him tonight- it's not worth it to him. To me that says I'm not worth it. So now what? Now I have to accept the blow. It hurts like hell and scares me, but I can't keep hoping. I just can't. Well, I guess I could, but I NEED to choose not to. I always identified with Jewel's "I'm Sensitive" (words at the bottom), and it's true. I am sensitive, and I'd like to stay that way. In order to survive however, I need someone who will be gentle with me. He's not that person. Ha! There it goes again in my head, "maybe he will be that person someday". I'm not a quote remembering person normally, but I remember something Oprah (lol) said years ago. It was something like... you may or not be right trying to guess something about a person, BUT if someone tells you something about themselves, LISTEN to them... how true is that? How often does someone say something negative about them self and you say, "no, that's not true, you're a great person"! Only to finally get it one day when they prove that they were right. I need to stick that in my brain again.

Distractable, yes, thank you very much. I was going to talk about the future. My future. I'm not going to hide away for 3 days. I'm sad, but not angry. I will keep living life doing what's best for the kids & I. I will not make any hasty decisions. I will stay put until the time is right. I am now 28 weeks pregnant with my fourth baby, so I do not think that time is or will be anytime soon. I'm not a fan of "staying together for the kids", especially when there's so much ick involved, but nobody is in any physical harm, and I certainly don't have anything to offer in my current financial state. Once the kids are all in school maybe, I will take another look at my reality. Then I will make a choice. The hard part is now, living like this, especially being pregnant with my last baby and not having anyone to share it with. I started out that was as a single, teen mom. I have a friggin' husband now! It shouldn't be this way! But, here I am at square one. It's midnight now, so I'll end with a list. It's a list of what I really want in life for me, and what I want to believe I deserve. It's also a list of what I don't have now, sadly.

1) laughter in the home
2) physical affection for the kids and I
3) a partner who lifts me up & vice versa
4) a soft place to fall for the kids & I
5) a partner with the ability to communicate, without cussing, screaming, punching walls & shutting down
6) someone to share my thoughts with, who will listen, and do the same in return
7) someone who will share their deepest thoughts & feelings with me, and allow me to feel safe doing the same
8) someone who is always honest, considers the feelings of others, and wants the best
9) someone I can fully trust in time, and can understand why I may not in the beginning
10) a partner to love, dream, and just be with

OK, that's it for now, more to come when I have the time & ability I'm sure.

I'm Sensitive by Jewel

I was thinking that I might fly today
Just to disprove all the things that you say
It doesn't take a talent to be mean
You words can crush things that are unseen

So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way

You always tell me that it's impossible
To be respected, and be a girl
Why's it gotta be so complicated
Why you gotta tell me if I'm hated

So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way

When I was thinking, that it might do some good
If we robbed the cynics and took all their food
That way what they believe will have taken place
And we can give it people who have some faith

So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way

I have this theory, that if we're told we're bad
Then that's the only idea we'll ever have
But maybe if we are surrounded in beauty
Someday we will become what we see'
Cause anyone can start a conflict
it's harder yet to disregard it
I'd rather see the world from another angle
We are everyday angels
Be careful with me 'cause I'd like to stay that way.