Thoughts & Lists

So the baby is napping & here I am again. I've realized I have all these thoughts swirling around in my head, and the best way to get them out may be to make lists, beginning with a list of lists, lol. I know, and I warned that this is not a happy sunshine blog for the time being. I'm sure that will change in time, but for now it is what it is. Now for my list of lists.

1. Thing I wish I could say if I thought my husband would care to hear them
2. Qualities of my perfect mate
3. Steps I need to take, both now & later, to find myself & take care of me
4. Just a nasty, get it out list of things I hate about this situation
5. Things I miss right now, wants & needs
6. More to come, I'm sure

Let's take a stab at a few to start. Again, I reserve the right to amend at any time!

Things I miss right now, wants & needs

-compliments.
I feel awful about my body right now, and I know it could be made a billion times better if a certain someone would either say or show some positivity. Then again, I can count on one hand how many times said person has given me a compliment on my looks, not even on our wedding day- so I won't hold my breath.
-reassurance.
I'm scared out of my mind & overwhelmed when I think about having FOUR children. I don't feel like I have a partner in this at all. If I mention my fears I'm reminded how I wanted this. Thanks. Just what I need to hear.
-affection.
Of any kind, really. Hugs, kisses, hand holding, sex, cuddling. Especially hugs. I'm just an affectionate person, and to not get ANY in return? It hurts. BAD. Have I mentioned this? Of course! In about every way possible. I even gave "The men's version of The 5 Love Languages" for Valentine's day, with my part of the quiz filled in even. No dice.
-massage.
At this point I'm not sure if he just plain doesn't get the immense physical & emotional demand pregnancy takes on a woman, or simply doesn't give a damn. Either way, I've asked at least a dozen times in the past few months for a back rub, neck massage, foot rub, etc. He was at my last appointment when I talked about how bad my legs, butt & back hurt every night when I try to sleep now. Does he care? Nope. I did get one massage, after some eye- rolling. Why does he have to act like I'm such a damn inconvenience? I didn't get pregnant by myself!
-A Partner & Friend.
This seems like a given, right? Something I should already have. No, I have a roommate, one who argues with me constantly nonetheless. I feel so lonely. This is most likely my last baby, and I'm getting pretty bitter about not having that special someone to share it with. Do you know, he's managed to put his hand on my belly to feel the baby move all of twice??? We planned on taking pictures like last time, to put together a week by week slide show at the end. I got tired of the sighs & eye rolls every time I asked him to snap a pic, so For the last 3 weeks I've been taking them myself in a mirror. One baby step I will be making i to hire myself a doula. I need a labor coach I can count on. If I can't count on him now, surely I can't when I'll need him most. I'm sure he won't like this idea, but I need to for me, and this way he can focus on making sure Cameron is OK while I labor.
-Peace in the Home.
No, I do NOT care if milk is left on the dinner table, a towel is left on the bathroom floor, someone chews with their moth open at dinner, a light gets left on in the hall, or clothes left on the kid's floors. We have KIDS! If it bugs you, pick it the fuck up, just stop yelling for God's sake! I cringe whenever he walks in the door now, and breathe a sigh of relief when he leaves for work. The house is ALWAYS picked up, and I swear to Jesus he finds the one thing out of place in every room to bitch about. Give the kids a compliment once in a while too, they will start to hate you if you keep up this constant negativity crap, and I won't blame them a bit. I cannot BELIEVE you "let" them hug you every night while you just fucking sit there. They NEED you, damnit! I'm a big girl, I'll be alright in the end, but they are your kids. If you didn't want to do right by them you never should have adopted them, you had a choice. Just stop yelling for once in your life, and if you don't have anything nice to say- shut the fuck up! I can't take it anymore, and certainly the kids deserve an encouraging word on occasion. They're GOOD kids. They need to hear that. THEN they will want to do even better.

Wow. That felt icky. And good. Kinda like after you throw up. I know there's more, but I want to bake some cookies before Cameron wakes up. Thanks for the words of encouragement, I'm holding them near & dear at this point!