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Has it been that long?

I guess it has, and I've had so many requests for updates I guess it is time. I haven't re-read any of my previous posts, so forgive me if I repeat, but here goes. Things are better. Not great, or even good most times, but better. Maybe it's just us both tolerating things a bit more? Either way, I'm feeling better about things personally. I'm not so hopeless, and I'm starting to get excited and nervous about the new baby. Cameron has named him/her (most likely him) River. We have a short list of names, and that is on there, but we have nothing set in stone, we'll be waiting till after the babe is born I guess. My official due date is just 11 days away now, and it kind of freaks me out. I know huge changes are coming, and most of us here in the house don't deal too well with change. Even me, and I'm the most level-headed one, which is also scary. Cameron is fully potty trained now and mostly sleeping through the night, so that's a relief. He's cute as can be and good thing too, cause he sure can be a PITA! Brandin is still struggling with school, and 12 year old boy apathy, but I *think* he's coming around. Ash has been dealing with cheerleader drama, but handling it remarkably well, I'm extremely impressed. She even recently broke up with a guy when one of her friends informed her that he smokes weed with her brother. She also just made honor roll, with all A's & B's. I couldn't ask for more really. At 14, I was a mess, and expected to deal with the same in my own daughter, but I must have done something right! Ed has had some sleep issues, sleep walking type stuff, which is odd. We'll be keeping an eye on that. We're still looking at Utah come June, but most of us are trying not to think about that. Relationship wise we're hanging in, struggling for some time to spend alone (ie: without Cameron) while we're not dog tired. It happens on rare occasion, but we know even that time is fleeting, our days are numbered till "labor day". It's about breakfast time, I'll attempt to add a 38 week pregnant pic now.

A good day after all

Yep, two posts in one day. I had to log this good day, who knows how long it will last. The boys returned from their walk, and had picked a basket of flowers. Ed got the baby down for his nap, and I looked on for a bit as he searched the web for various Utah related things. As I was rubbing my lower back like usual these days, he offered to take over for awhile. I shook my head an enthusiastic yes, and ended up with a super nice rubdown from neck to leg, with grape seed oil. Man was that nice, just the warm touch was great, but a massage was just what I needed, for the pain, and the attention. After I gave him a hug and thanked him, and he mentioned that he had noticed me trying to snuggle up this morning. About that time, he noticed a van from a local florist pull up to the house. I remarked that surely they must have the wrong address. He said no, they were coming to our door. When he returned with a beautiful bouquet, I asked who they were for, fearing a possible suitor for Ash, but alas, they were for me! From who I asked! He said he didn't know, but it wasn't him. Turns out I truly have the best girlfriend in the world (Mahalo Val!!!) who had sent me flowers in light of me feeling so down lately. What perfect timing! I don't think I could have had a better Saturday afternoon. He made a comment about thinking he was going to have to beat up some boyfriend of mine- apparently me not mentioning where I went last Sunday for the day really did bother him, lol. We were able to chat without much fuss through the afternoon, even about our future, and since both big kids were gone for dinner, we decided to head to town for Red Lobster. All went well, and he is now sleeping in the rocking chair next to the baby's bed like normal. This time though, I may actually wake him up so he can come to bed instead of spending half the night in the chair. Fingers crossed for a change ahead, made by us both... or at least a good finish to the weekend!

Another week gone by

It's Saturday again. Yay. It's been both an eventful and uneventful week at the same time, oddly enough. I managed to keep mostly busy each day, with some sort of activity to get me out of the house. Monday was bad, I lost it in the evening and walked for a long while, I couldn't stand the tension for another minute in this house. I made up my mind to either go to CA, or move into a small apt away from him. I made this known at bedtime. He stormed off & slept on the couch, no surprise. It still felt nicer having him there than next to me & cold. Tuesday was another ordinary day. Wednesday brought some change. I was at a playgroup at the park when he called. I knew something was up, since he was calling and we don't speak. Turns out he got orders. To Utah. Yup, Mormon country, nowhere near anything. That evening he came home, joked about the move, and even told the kids. I found this odd, since we don't even know what will be happening by then (then being as soon as the kids are out of school in June). I guess either way we can't stay here, so divulging information about the move isn't harmful I suppose. He even offered to play Yahtzee with me that night. AND he didn't bitch at the kids at dinnertime, a real rare treat. Sadly, by Thursday it was back to status quo. Friday was no different, and this morning he's been reading a comic book and ignoring me again. Lying in bed this morning I just wanted to snuggle up with him behind me so bad I could feel it. I even scooched back a bit to see if he may put his arm around me, he's not normally angry when he FIRST wakes, it takes at least 10 minutes for the nastiness to begin normally. Sadly, he just moved his arm away. He didn't turn away, but he didn't make any move toward me either. Why do I torture myself with the constant rejection? WHY do I harbor this hope when clearly there is none left? Am I truly that naive? Ash has ROTC duty tonight, Brandin is at Boy Scout camp, and he is currently outside with the baby for a short walk, which I would have been invited on in the past, but not today. I'm so unsure of what the coming year holds now, with the orders on top of everything personal, I don't know if I should even attempt a move at the moment. I'm still confused as to why exactly he was looking at homes for sale, while my search focused on rentals. Does he honestly think I'm going to allow the kids to grow up in such an angry home, or allow myself to continue to live the rest of my days out in a loveless marriage? Time shall tell, I suppose?....

Done

I'm not sure how to handle things anymore. I can't function on a regular level. I cannot be around another person without tears. I am alone. I have friends, sure, but everyone has their own things going on. I am pregnant with my fourth child, married, and more alone than ever before. Never even thought that was possible. Saturday was another day of the same. Me, sitting. Him, yelling at the kids constantly, all day. Sunday, I decided to take off. I left around 11am, returned with the oldest son for dinnertime around 5. Sounds like Cameron did OK with dad for the day, though it killed me to leave him. I sat in my car at the beach with a Frappucino for a few hours, took me out to lunch & a sundae, then headed to a spot here in Kailua where I tend to feel some peace. I wish I could have stayed there forever. That night, we had it out one last time, and my worst fears are now reality. I poured my heart out in one last attempt to see if he cared. Not one bit. I swear, he stood there glaring & scowling & yelling for almost 2 whole hours while I tried desperately to find some kind of closure, resolution. I offered a few options, and as grim as they were, I asked for help in making some kind of plan for change, surely we can't continue on like this. Apparently, he can. He's accepted this as his reality & future, I will not. I feel like I am dying inside, when in actuality I am literally full of life, and should be in a much better state of well being for me & this new baby. I cried, told him through the tears how I cry every morning when he walks out the door, every night to sleep, every day when I'm in pain from all the aches of pregnancy and am fully aware he couldn't care less. I once again stated how I just can't believe he can see me like this every single damn day and completely turn his back on me. He says it's my fault. I make him unable to be involved, I push him away. Of course it's my fault! I am so angry he is ruining this beautiful experience for the both of us, and now placing the blame squarely on me as well. How can he be so heartless? How can he live with himself everyday, watch my belly grow, see the pain I am in, allow me to sob every night in emotional anguish, and go on like nothing is happening? The tears just won't stop, and I'm so scared for this baby. I know my feelings affect the baby, and this one has been through hell already. All I can muster up in my own feelings for this little one are feelings of protection. And apology. I've apologized to this baby more times than I can count, and s/he's not even born. I feel like a total screw up, how could I be in this situation? He flat out refuses to help me make some kind of plan, and I feel stuck. What can I do at this point? I will be giving birth in roughly 10 weeks, that's about 70 days. Hardly enough time to start work, or move me & 3 kids across an ocean on my own. I am truly lost and scared and so many other things I can't seem to find words for.

Another shitty day

It just keeps coming. This morning for instance, there was the usual playing with the baby mixed in with yelling at the big kids. Then when it was time for him to leave for work, I was petting the dog. He walks over, stands in front of me, scratches the dog's head & says good bye. TO THE DOG. Ahh, more ears to start the day. He sure knows how to make a girl feel great. Then I'm getting the house together like usual when my phone ring. It's my older son, saying he didn't get breakfast case he left his school ID here, and needs me to bring it by 11 for lunch. Now, this is his second ID, I had to pay five bucks for one since he lost the first by the second week of school. But, my kid is hungry, so what can I do? I get dressed, get the baby dressed, ad head to school with the ID. I walk in the office & say I'm dropping it off for lunch. The lady says "Oh, there's another one!" HUH? Apparently they found the first one awhile back & called him to the office, he just never came to get it. NICE. So I keep one in case he "loses" another. I head home, get the baby to sleep, and get another call from the boy's school in the afternoon. "Hi mom, someone stole my bike." "Ummm why didn't you lock it?" He couldn't find the lock. Real nice. Just great. I'm pissed so I tell him to walk. Not only is he oblivious to the world around him, he's missing tons of assignments at school which he lies and says he's done. Then the girl calls, and wants some shorts for practice, and for me to meet her with them. So I guess I'm good to bail people out, which is something I probably should stop doing.

And yesterday? I had my ultrasound. Things look OK, baby is about 3 pounds & looks good, but always hides that left kidney in bad spot, so one more check at 33 weeks. BUT I get there, and he's NOT there. Nope, he was late. It then went like I thought, he stayed with the baby, came in at the end. Never looked at me or talked to me or touched me. I'm really not wanting to feel like this anymore, the only thing I can think of is to remove myself from the situation so he doesn't have an opportunity to make me feel like crap, but how?

I'm really not sure how much more of this I can take. I need to DO something. I need to nurture myself and start to feel good, for me and this baby. I've got to find a way to let him go and move on, at least emotionally. Sadly, that's a very hard thing to do when you're carrying someone's child and have to see them every single day.

Frustration

Just a quick one this morning to get this out of my head, hopefully. So I have an ultrasound at 11 this morning. It's on the calendar on the fridge. I've had the appt for almost a month. After asking me half a dozen times when the appt was, and acting as usual that it's such a huge bother for him to take off work because he's oh so busy and apparently I'm such a damn inconvenience, on the way out the door he mentions to me that he'll meet me there. WTF? Why not just stop by & drive with us? Because some Marine was in an accident a few weeks ago (he's fine now, just recovering) and instead of spending one more minute with me than absolutely necessary, he's going to go check in on the guy after my appt. What a sweetheart! If only he was as concerned about his own family. Yes, I'm carrying your flesh and blood, and I'd like to be asked how I'm feeling on occasion. Too much to ask? You know, this is the third ultrasound and they're trying to be sure this babe's kidney isn't messed up like Cameron's. I'm scared. I talked about that fact with him before my first ultrasound. Guess what he did? Rolled his eyes and told me I was stupid for worrying. That it does no good since we don't even know if anything is wrong. No shit, but this baby is growing inside my belly and I'm scared, damnit! Gawd it would be nice to be able to share myself with my partner & just get a hug if nothing else. Why does he have to be such an unfeeling jerk? He KNOWS it hurts me like hell to be treated this way, but he also knows there's nothing I can do about it for now, so he just keeps on knocking me down every chance he gets. You know, not once has he even held my hand during an ultrasound, asked to look at the pictures or take them to work like most proud dads would. Nope, he doesn't even mention the baby, like ever. I'm so sick of feeling so lonely and helpless in this, I want to be proactive, DO something- but what? I really want to just up & leave, so I don't have to feel his coldness everyday, but logistically I can't. I *could* go "home" to my parent's, but my mom would drive me nuts. It costs too much here to get an apt on my own, and he's the only one with income. I've already paid the midwife in full for the home birth, too. I'd write a letter or something, but we've already established he doesn't care how I feel. Suggestions?

Thoughts & Lists

So the baby is napping & here I am again. I've realized I have all these thoughts swirling around in my head, and the best way to get them out may be to make lists, beginning with a list of lists, lol. I know, and I warned that this is not a happy sunshine blog for the time being. I'm sure that will change in time, but for now it is what it is. Now for my list of lists.

1. Thing I wish I could say if I thought my husband would care to hear them
2. Qualities of my perfect mate
3. Steps I need to take, both now & later, to find myself & take care of me
4. Just a nasty, get it out list of things I hate about this situation
5. Things I miss right now, wants & needs
6. More to come, I'm sure

Let's take a stab at a few to start. Again, I reserve the right to amend at any time!

Things I miss right now, wants & needs

-compliments.
I feel awful about my body right now, and I know it could be made a billion times better if a certain someone would either say or show some positivity. Then again, I can count on one hand how many times said person has given me a compliment on my looks, not even on our wedding day- so I won't hold my breath.
-reassurance.
I'm scared out of my mind & overwhelmed when I think about having FOUR children. I don't feel like I have a partner in this at all. If I mention my fears I'm reminded how I wanted this. Thanks. Just what I need to hear.
-affection.
Of any kind, really. Hugs, kisses, hand holding, sex, cuddling. Especially hugs. I'm just an affectionate person, and to not get ANY in return? It hurts. BAD. Have I mentioned this? Of course! In about every way possible. I even gave "The men's version of The 5 Love Languages" for Valentine's day, with my part of the quiz filled in even. No dice.
-massage.
At this point I'm not sure if he just plain doesn't get the immense physical & emotional demand pregnancy takes on a woman, or simply doesn't give a damn. Either way, I've asked at least a dozen times in the past few months for a back rub, neck massage, foot rub, etc. He was at my last appointment when I talked about how bad my legs, butt & back hurt every night when I try to sleep now. Does he care? Nope. I did get one massage, after some eye- rolling. Why does he have to act like I'm such a damn inconvenience? I didn't get pregnant by myself!
-A Partner & Friend.
This seems like a given, right? Something I should already have. No, I have a roommate, one who argues with me constantly nonetheless. I feel so lonely. This is most likely my last baby, and I'm getting pretty bitter about not having that special someone to share it with. Do you know, he's managed to put his hand on my belly to feel the baby move all of twice??? We planned on taking pictures like last time, to put together a week by week slide show at the end. I got tired of the sighs & eye rolls every time I asked him to snap a pic, so For the last 3 weeks I've been taking them myself in a mirror. One baby step I will be making i to hire myself a doula. I need a labor coach I can count on. If I can't count on him now, surely I can't when I'll need him most. I'm sure he won't like this idea, but I need to for me, and this way he can focus on making sure Cameron is OK while I labor.
-Peace in the Home.
No, I do NOT care if milk is left on the dinner table, a towel is left on the bathroom floor, someone chews with their moth open at dinner, a light gets left on in the hall, or clothes left on the kid's floors. We have KIDS! If it bugs you, pick it the fuck up, just stop yelling for God's sake! I cringe whenever he walks in the door now, and breathe a sigh of relief when he leaves for work. The house is ALWAYS picked up, and I swear to Jesus he finds the one thing out of place in every room to bitch about. Give the kids a compliment once in a while too, they will start to hate you if you keep up this constant negativity crap, and I won't blame them a bit. I cannot BELIEVE you "let" them hug you every night while you just fucking sit there. They NEED you, damnit! I'm a big girl, I'll be alright in the end, but they are your kids. If you didn't want to do right by them you never should have adopted them, you had a choice. Just stop yelling for once in your life, and if you don't have anything nice to say- shut the fuck up! I can't take it anymore, and certainly the kids deserve an encouraging word on occasion. They're GOOD kids. They need to hear that. THEN they will want to do even better.

Wow. That felt icky. And good. Kinda like after you throw up. I know there's more, but I want to bake some cookies before Cameron wakes up. Thanks for the words of encouragement, I'm holding them near & dear at this point!

My Very First Time...

...Blogging! Isn't it exciting?! OK, maybe not so much for you as for me. I've been wanting to start one since I found my friend Monica's blog. I chose now thanks to a conversation I had with my husband an hour ago. No, not a fight- just a short chat actually. I'm sure I'll get into history later, but just a bit for now. After almost 7 years of being married to this man, I've learned a few things. One of those things is how opposite we are. OK, so opposites attract, right? In some arenas, I'm sure that's true. BUT when you have an optimist & a pessimist, a hope-er and a doer, a smiler & a scowler, a lover & a liver... I'm jut not so sure anymore. It came down to this short conversation this evening:

me: I'd like to sort things out so we can work together better once the baby comes.
him: silence
me: are you really just never going to talk to me about how you feel?
him: it's not worth it to me. I say something you don't like & you pout & don't speak to anyone for 3 days.
me: you're right, sometimes my feelings get hurt & that's how I deal.
him: then no it's not worth it to talk about so I won't.
me: OK, just tell me this then. Is the plan to get along as well as we can just till the kid are old enough?
him: is that your plan?
me: well, I'm certainly not going to live in a relationship like this forever.
him: silence
me: OK then, that's all I needed to know.
him: off to bed without a word.
me: here, starting this blog to sort my thoughts!

And it is all I need to know. Have I wanted to leave, said I would in the past? Yep. Did I ever? Nope. Why not? Many reasons. 1) I never felt strong enough. 2) I didn't want to be THAT girl who always makes mistakes. 3) I always hoped he loved me enough to make a change. Funny, huh? I honestly believed time & time again that someday he'd realize that letting go of hostilities, showing affection and love toward your family, and being able to live in a respectful household where everyone feels relaxed & loved was really the way to go. I thought we wanted the same things. Nope. He wins. I wanted to be happy, he wanted to be right. So now I concede- and he's right.

Really, that's all I needed to know from him tonight- it's not worth it to him. To me that says I'm not worth it. So now what? Now I have to accept the blow. It hurts like hell and scares me, but I can't keep hoping. I just can't. Well, I guess I could, but I NEED to choose not to. I always identified with Jewel's "I'm Sensitive" (words at the bottom), and it's true. I am sensitive, and I'd like to stay that way. In order to survive however, I need someone who will be gentle with me. He's not that person. Ha! There it goes again in my head, "maybe he will be that person someday". I'm not a quote remembering person normally, but I remember something Oprah (lol) said years ago. It was something like... you may or not be right trying to guess something about a person, BUT if someone tells you something about themselves, LISTEN to them... how true is that? How often does someone say something negative about them self and you say, "no, that's not true, you're a great person"! Only to finally get it one day when they prove that they were right. I need to stick that in my brain again.

Distractable, yes, thank you very much. I was going to talk about the future. My future. I'm not going to hide away for 3 days. I'm sad, but not angry. I will keep living life doing what's best for the kids & I. I will not make any hasty decisions. I will stay put until the time is right. I am now 28 weeks pregnant with my fourth baby, so I do not think that time is or will be anytime soon. I'm not a fan of "staying together for the kids", especially when there's so much ick involved, but nobody is in any physical harm, and I certainly don't have anything to offer in my current financial state. Once the kids are all in school maybe, I will take another look at my reality. Then I will make a choice. The hard part is now, living like this, especially being pregnant with my last baby and not having anyone to share it with. I started out that was as a single, teen mom. I have a friggin' husband now! It shouldn't be this way! But, here I am at square one. It's midnight now, so I'll end with a list. It's a list of what I really want in life for me, and what I want to believe I deserve. It's also a list of what I don't have now, sadly.

1) laughter in the home
2) physical affection for the kids and I
3) a partner who lifts me up & vice versa
4) a soft place to fall for the kids & I
5) a partner with the ability to communicate, without cussing, screaming, punching walls & shutting down
6) someone to share my thoughts with, who will listen, and do the same in return
7) someone who will share their deepest thoughts & feelings with me, and allow me to feel safe doing the same
8) someone who is always honest, considers the feelings of others, and wants the best
9) someone I can fully trust in time, and can understand why I may not in the beginning
10) a partner to love, dream, and just be with

OK, that's it for now, more to come when I have the time & ability I'm sure.

I'm Sensitive by Jewel

I was thinking that I might fly today
Just to disprove all the things that you say
It doesn't take a talent to be mean
You words can crush things that are unseen

So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way

You always tell me that it's impossible
To be respected, and be a girl
Why's it gotta be so complicated
Why you gotta tell me if I'm hated

So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way

When I was thinking, that it might do some good
If we robbed the cynics and took all their food
That way what they believe will have taken place
And we can give it people who have some faith

So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way

I have this theory, that if we're told we're bad
Then that's the only idea we'll ever have
But maybe if we are surrounded in beauty
Someday we will become what we see'
Cause anyone can start a conflict
it's harder yet to disregard it
I'd rather see the world from another angle
We are everyday angels
Be careful with me 'cause I'd like to stay that way.